Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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