you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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