Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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