Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
