yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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