So drunk its hurt
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
