What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
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