my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
