Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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