so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
