Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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