how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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