a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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