I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
