Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
