it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize