he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
