My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
