Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
