I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
