Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Apparently you make a good broom.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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