So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
