I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
