Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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