dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
