Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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