I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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