sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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