Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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