K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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