I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
