I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
