I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
