I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
