Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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