I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
