I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
