We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
