Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
a search helicopter?!
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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