I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
