that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
