Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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