last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
