i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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