3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
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