I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
