Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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