Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
