The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
