What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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