totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
