The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
