For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
