He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We are all done wearing pants today
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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