Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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