if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
