what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
