he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
