shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
