There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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