youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
